“Conversation is an art in which a man has all mankind for his competitors…” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some people will tell you that being able to strike up a conversation is an art derived from your innate personality. You either got it or you don’t. And if you don’t got it, then you aint’ gonna get it.
Wrong.
Take it from me: I spent two years working in the self improvement industry teaching professionals how to break out of their shells, put themselves out there and build connections with their customers, clients and family. I specialized in working with introverts who hated the thought of being put in a large group or other uncomfortable social situation.
But I have found that it is most often the introverts who have the coolest stuff to say, if I can only get them talking.
Self-proclaimed “strong introvert” Nate St. Pierre (@ItStartsWithUs, on Twitter) is a great example. Nate has an important message that deserves to be shared. He’s building a community that helps people who have big, world-changing ideas but neither the time nor know-how to turn them into reality. Nate’s website focuses on linking up the people with ideas to the people with the skillz to get the job done. In other words, it opens the lines of communication and makes the “how can I use my skill to help people, and how do I find them” question much more manageable.
What a great idea! In my opinion, that is an idea that deserves to be heard, shared and broadcast.
Thankfully, Nate has the willpower to overcome his introvert tendencies and get the word out about his project. You can read all about the project and how he gets over his shyness here and even help him design a header!
But for the people who don’t know how to start breaking out of their shells Shawshank Redemption style, here are two techniques that you can start using today.
1. Start a conversation with a long, drawn out sentence.
“You talkin’ to me?” – Robert de Niro
Lets face it, we spend most of our days stuck in our heads thinking about minutia. Have you ever asked someone a question and it caught them completely off guard, thereby making the whole start of the conversation awkward? Sure you have. We all have. They’re caught off guard because they’re stuck in their head. But you can draw them out and focus their attention on you by using a long, unimportant sentence. For example, if you wanted to ask John, the resident auto do-it-yourself-er how often you should change your oil you would do it like this:
“Hey John, I have a wild and crazy question for you – this might sound completely out of left field, but I think you’re the right person to ask this question since you know so much about cars. Ok, so, here’s my question: ‘How often do you really need to change your oil?’ “
See how the first couple of phrases in that sentence are vague and meaningless? I do that on purpose because people find it hard to focus on the first thing someone else says to them. Imagine if, out of the blue, I had asked John, “Hey, how often do you need to change your oil?”
He would wonder where the heck that came from and an awkward pause would result. By using a long, fluffy sentence at the start of a conversation, it gives people the space they need to focus on you and what you’re saying. I save the important stuff for the end because the first few words of any beginning sentence of a conversation won’t connect.
2. Talk About Yourself
Quick – name the two things that people like the most out of everything in the world.
Got the answer yet?
If you said 1) themselves and 2) people like them, then you win! People L-O-V-E familiarity, and that carries over into their conversations. So in order to be a great conversationalist it’s important for the person you’re talking to to see a little piece of themself in you.
But there’s a difference between being naturally relatable and forcing your similarities on someone. Forcing similarities looks needy. For example, if John says he likes basketball, don’t say “Me too!” and wag your tail like a puppy.
The key to being relatable is talking about yourself and your experiences. The more you about yourself, the more chances someone will relate to what you’re saying and grab onto your conversational threads and relate to it. Being relatable builds empathy, and that is the basis for any relationship.
Now that I’ve shared a few things you should do to become a better conversationalist, here are a few things you should avoid in your interactions.
“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” – Oscar Wilde
No one enjoys small talk because it is too safe and corporate-ish. As a great conversationalist, it is your job to shake things up and take a risk. Remember, it’s the guy with the spark in his eye and conviction in his words that is most memorable.
“The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man’s observation, not overturning it” – Edward G. Bullwer Lytton
In my opinion, the best conversations occur when both parties just let each other talk without passing judgment or throwing in an opinion (unless asked to do so). Yet, some people love to share their opinion like it is a stick of chewing gum in a big pack. To be a great conversationalist, invest some time learning when to speak your mind and when to sit back and listen.
“Do you really listen? Or do you just wait for your turn to talk?” – anonymous
The difference between a great conversationalist and an amateur can be observed by watching how each of them fills a void of silence in a conversation. The amateur will jump to attention and begin parsing words into the fray in an effort to not break the flow for fear of losing the vibe. But fear of loss of anything is weakening. The great conversationalist, much like a musician, knows that silence in a conversation builds interest and tension and uses this to his advantage. When the conversation lulls, he resists filling the gap and instead uses the time to collect his thoughts and make his next statement meaningful.
Wrapping it all up
If you were to dig down far enough, I think you’d find an optimist within me that wants to believe that people are capable of doing great things when they work together. Maybe that is why I spent a few years breaking people out of their shells. Maybe that’s also why Nate’s site resonated with me. In the process of teaching the art of talking, I learned that it’s really not an art at all. It’s a science that can be learned like anything else. I would love to believe that some of the tips I’ve offered help someone face their fear. If you are an introvert and go out and try these two techniques, please let me know about it. I’d be glad to write a followup if there’s interest and, as always, would love to read about your experiences in the comments below.
If you want to find me on Twitter, I'm 
Comments on this entry are closed.